life on life’s terms

Cracked Veneer

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Each day, we’re given many opportunities to open up or shut down. The most precious opportunity presents itself when we come to the place where we think we can’t handle whatever is happening. It’s too much. It’s gone too far. We feel bad about ourselves. There’s no way we can manipulate the situation to make ourselves come out looking good. No matter how hard we try, it just won’t work. Basically, life has just nailed us.
It’s as if you just looked at yourself in the mirror, and you saw a gorilla. The mirror’s there; it’s showing “you”, and what you see looks bad. You try to angle the mirror so you will look a little better, but no matter what you do, you still look like a gorilla. That’s being nailed by life, the place where you have no choice except to embrace what’s happening or push it away.
Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape — all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can’t stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain. In fact, the rampant materialism that we see in the world stems from this moment. There are so many ways that have been dreamt up to entertain us away from the moment, soften its hard edge, deaden it, so we don’t have to feel the full impact of the pain that arises when we cannot manipulate the situation to make us come out looking fine….pema chodron

i have been wrestling with guerrillas in the mirror, morals and ethical questions for a couple of months. There is a trail of crumbs that keep leading me down a path to a destination not known. As is often the case, I follow my instincts and encounter both comfort and the opposite. I then need to discern the temporary from the true. Once the veneer cracks. Perhaps that image, with the cracked facade, is the actual picture.

Everybody loves the things you do
From the way you talk
To the way you move
Everybody here is watching you
‘Cause you feel like home
You’re like a dream come true
But if by chance you’re here alone
Can I have a moment
Before I go?
‘Cause I’ve been by myself all night long
Hoping you’re someone I used to know
You look like a movie
You sound like a song
My God, this reminds me
Of when we were young
Let me photograph you in this light
In case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were
Before we realized
We were sad of getting old
It made us restless
It was just like a movie
It was just like a song
I was so scared to face my fears
Nobody told me that you’d be here
And I swore you moved overseas
That’s what you said, when you left me

 

chameleon

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The increased importance of Information and Communications Technology in modern business practice presents myriad strategic and tactical challenges. What specific qualities does a Chief Information Officer require in order to survive? Via a thorough review of the extant literature, this paper considers eight essential characteristics of the successful CIO in light of a guiding metaphor − the chameleon.
The increased importance of Information and Communications Technology in modern business practice presents myriad strategic and tactical challenges. What specific qualities does a Chief Information Officer require in order to survive? Via a thorough review of the extant literature, this paper considers eight essential characteristics of the successful CIO in light of a guiding metaphor − the chameleon.

the days now flit and fly around and through my nexus like hummingbirds on hibiscus. i rock and i roll with the onset of putting out fires and answering questions, calming fears, counseling colleagues, creating collaboration.  i am learning so much about what i thought i had forgotten. i still have some communication skills. thank heaven for that.

a living being’s sense of purpose and usefulness may very well be directly linked to well being. i cannot remember feeling so connected and calmly directed.

“There are people who are generic. They make generic responses and they expect generic answers. They live inside a box and they think people who don’t fit into their box are weird. But I’ll tell you what, generic people are the weird people. They are like genetically-manipulated plants growing inside a laboratory, like indistinguishable faces, like droids. Like ignorance.”
C. JoyBell C.

Holiday Letter 2014

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https://www.scribd.com/doc/250346717/Holiday-2014-Letter#fullscreen=1

 

holiday favorite

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“What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.”
“What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.”

dustin’s sober blog post today gave me a smile- for a few reasons really. firstly, his post reflects living in a mess and the havoc that it wreaks upon our psyche. holidays become just days with more holes. empty and dark, just as the depiction of the realm of the hungry ghosts suggests. secondly, it highlights how these dark days become the turning point for change in many peoples’ lives. the darkness becomes so big that it takes on a personality of its own and most often dominates the world it inhabits.

i can relate to these aspects of the addiction and recovery landscape. they echo my own. but the holidays can be double-edged sword because there are so many memories and are a ritual that we trudge through or skip through each year touching upon the very sacred and the primal in us.  these memories can be a slippery slope. many a person slides back down when push and shove become real. the spiritual practices i have in place may be the only protection i have some days from sliding down that slope myself. i have new coping skills and have honed them and invested in them over the years. the light that the holidays have developed over centuries to bring into our hearts and hearths is meant to be a comforting cultural spritual practice providing sustenance to last through the rest of winter. it intends to remind each other we have a past and we have a future.

in my life, this is exactly what it achieves. it provides light by asking me to remember what the value of light is. it offers me the memories of life without light to compare. double-edged sword- those dark days were potent. toxic and potent and memory wiping.

none-the-less i am grateful to have read dustin’s honest holiday offering. it stirred memories of secrets and lies and reinforced the hope and promise of today. thanks to him- and give him a shout.

dustin’s blog- remember the eve of christmas

 

 

there’s something about mary j

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I know who I am. I am not perfect. I'm not the most beautiful woman in the world. But I'm one of them. Mary J. Blige
I know who I am. I am not perfect. I’m not the most beautiful woman in the world. But I’m one of them.
Mary J. Blige

 

that’s it in a nutshell. she is just something else. i have not been a fan forever, but i have been a fan for some time now. she is real. she is down to earth. she is easily relate-able. i don’t have to guess who she is. it’s pretty clear. what is surprising though are a couple of things. the first is how she remains relevant. after the success, the ups and the downs, she continues to be a testament to telling the truth. if there was ever a symbol of healthy growing up, mary j is “it”.

shine on mary. shine on.

“Whole Damn Year”

Tryna find a way to explain this
Why you can’t touch me tonight?
I can feel you’re getting impatient
But I really can’t let you inside
Bad, how deep the pain is
Or you just couldn’t believe
And yes I’m good on the surface
But I’m a mess, I’m a mess underneath
See winter took most of my heart
And Spring punched right in the stomach
Summer came looking for blood
And by autumn, I was left with nothing

It took a whole damn year to repair my body
It took a whole damn year
It took a whole damn year to repair my body
It’s been about five years
Gon’ take a long long year for me to trust somebody
Gon’ take long long year
Gon’ take a long long year for me to touch somebody
It’s been a bad five years

i purchased her new collection titled london sesssions and really glad i did. here are some of the highlights for me.

 

wounded animal

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If the love within your mind is lost and you see other beings as enemies, then no matter how much knowledge or education or material comfort you have, only suffering and confusion will ensue.....dalai lama
If the love within your mind is lost and you see other beings as enemies, then no matter how much knowledge or education or material comfort you have, only suffering and confusion will ensue…..dalai lama

oh dear

what a year this has been. i have decided to refer to 2014 as the year of adjustments.

 

refinanced my home

purchased new car

vacated a position after 5 years

started and left another position

enrolled and dropped college in the same month

trained as peer coach and peer coach trainer

resigned volunteer board president position

contemplating developing new not-for-profit organization

painted interior of house different color (eucalyptus)

set new boundaries with family members and co-workers

de-activated facebook account

celebrated 10 years sobriety

started a consulting company

i guess it’s safe to say that 2014 has been a year of adjustments. i can’t say it was easy, but i can say it was worth it. have had a hella good year despite all the changes. in fact it was good due to changes. can definitely say i am looking forward to 2015.

“Wounded Animal”

I carried your heart
Like a wounded animal, soft
I kept my condolences to myself, soft
I spent my last hours defending how I fell

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
I didn’t try harder
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
I didn’t try at all
I lost myself when I found you in the fall
I left it all
I lost myself when I found you in the fall
I left it all

I carried your love
With a kind of urgency, scared
I kept all my senses from feeling you too much…mary lambert

do it

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There is a saying in Tibetan, 'Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.' No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that's our real disaster. By Dalai Lama XIV
There is a saying in Tibetan, ‘Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.’
No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster.
By Dalai Lama XIV

bought a new car on sunday. friday morning i left my home for work and discovered that someone had sideswiped my car all along the driver’s side leaving freddie krueger finger scrapes and apple-carting the sideview mirror. my assumption is certainly it was perpetrated by an itoxicated driver. that’s payback kharma no doubt. all the times i drove drunk and got away with it.

my heart sank. i went numb. this is the first week at a new job and i had major damage control to do with a police report, finding a body shop, and insurance procedures.

must say that the my inner drama queen made an appearance. i recognized the gloria swanson quality of that posturing fairly quickly though and remembered that i am not a victim here. i’m merely a student with a $500 deductible.

worked a holiday party last night and the host tipped us $250 each- with my hourly i received my entire deductible in one 6 hour gig. go figure.

everyday above ground is a good day- so i celebrate.

I got a new one for ya
I like the way that sounds
(reporting live from Spain)
I’m about to do it for ya
I like to break it down
(Tuxedo)
This joint has got me open
Ooh that’s my favorite song
(Mr. Worldwide)
I put my thing in motion
(I don’t know how I do what I do)
I do it all night long
(I just do it)

You know the resume
Call it what you want, boy as it may
Not from the paper, hella paid
Every day above ground is a good day so I celebrate
Mami got that bubbleyum bootie
I wanna run through it like Rudy
She said do you own Nike
I said not yet, she said then just do it
Fresh at the Grammys in a tuxedo
Play about 18 hoes on any given day
Tiger Woods D low
Yea I get around but only on the D low
Now I’m changing the world
Just to think I used to dream about kilos
Bank account used to be negative
Now it’s like that thing on reload, do it

I got a new one for ya
I like the way that sounds
I’m about to do it for ya
I like to break it down
This joint has got me open
Ooh that’s my favorite song
I put my thing in motion
I do it all night long

Do it, do it, do it
Oh, here I go again
(Gotta hit ’em with that)
Do it
Do it
Do it…. pitbull and mayer hawthorne