predicaments come and go. one has knocked at the door and entered my home. there is no perfect resolution as i see it right now, just living with the uncomfortable. knowing that i give barrelfuls of lipservice to leaning into the undomfortable, i stand at the crossroads of walking the walk with my own talk as a guide.
perhaps the most contributing factor is the amount of time required to deal with this situation. it is like the blob swallowing everything in front, behind, and to all sides of it. and all my platitudes have the zest of a stale potato chip.
i have returned to a weekly meeting which alleviates some of the extra stress. when i go through the door to meet with my tribe, i get to check the bs at the door. that is a necessary exercise. recommended for everyone. my name is rod and i’m a person living in long-term recovery. for me that means that i have a whole new life today. the fuckit bucket is not my only coping skill and i have healthier outcomes for my efforts. i can look myself in the mirror and not cringe at what i see looking back at me.
being uncomfortable is not the end of the world. it does trigger some of my trauma issues, and beckons seductively to the child within and i circle around to the question “this again?”
Creating new habits
Acting as if we were two rabbits
And then you’d vanish back to the borough with all the Celtics
You call me selfish, I understand
But I can’t help it
I put my job over everything
Except my family and friends
But you’ll be in between forever
So I guess we’ll have to take a step back
Overlook the situation
‘Cause mixing business and feelings will only lead to complications
And I’m not saying we should be taking a break
Just re-evaluating quick before we make a mistake and it’s too late
So we can either deal with the pain or wait to get on the plane
But in a day we’ll have to say it again
this week tasted like toenail. and i’m glad it’s almost over. hoping i don’t have to experience it again. sad i lost those 4 days. even less fun was feeling like a fly in a spider’s web or a guinea pig in a first grader’s care. poked and prodded and held up by all fours.
it’s as if i transported into mortville and became a subject of queen carlotta. the village were all instructed to walk backwards as she hurled insults and spouted verbal injuries at her subjects laughing like a portly hyena with a crown all the while.
Queen Carlotta: [surveying her subjects as they participate in her own self-enforced “Backwards Day”] Look at those dummies! Hey, moron! You got your clothes on backwards! Ha ha ha! Oh, God, this is fun! Hi, stupid! Hi, ugly!
Shotsie: Ewww, that senile old cunt!
Mole McHenry: I wish I had a rifle with a telescopic lens.
Flipper: I’d help you pull the trigger, Mole!
Muffy St. Jacques: Squeaky Fromme, where are you when we need you?
that’s just how it felt. really it was just another week with the same cast members mixing up their roles. perhaps the only saving grace for me is my beliefs. but even those were annoying. it’s hard to quote “when things fall apart” as my life feels like it’s falling apart and not feel hypocritical. it sucks to feel victimized as i share with another that the “victim” part of me is only make believe. i walked myself into my life. i walked directly onto this stage and agreed to play with these players. i know the stakes and i agreed. and i hate it when i’m right that i’m not right.
sometimes i feel like a motherless child. emphasis on “feels”. i have a mother. and i’m lucky she’s still around.
i just want to be khalesi today and tell my dragon babies to breathe fire all over the village and send them packing. maybe then i can come in and save the day and feel like a hero again.
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There are places I remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I’ve loved them all
this is intended to be a short gratitude post. i have probably needed a good dose of thanks for some time. right now, i have a couple of friends struggling with general life issues and i have felt helpless as i stand by and watch. in one case i am purposely stepping out of the way and allowing her to find her way. in the other case, i am actively giving unsolicited perspective to help her sidestep her own emotions. in both scenarios, i am without ability to really change them. yet at the end of the day, i am left with my feelings for them. this is not an earthshattering discovery, but it is a quiet reminder that my life and my heart continue- in spite of my nature in both these instances. this is the blessing in my life.
as may be obvious, i spent most of my life (30+ years) in the realm of ghosts according to buddhist tradition- specifically the hungry ghosts- always eating and never full. for years it seemed that would always be how my life was. even when i was able to build a career or a relationship, the ghost attachment would invade and much of the good and the sincere would be swallowed up by the hungry apparitions in my soul. it was unstable and imbalanced at best.
with sobriety and recovery however, and specifically with gratitude, empathy, and forgiveness, i have been able to transcend that transluscent realm into a human realm. i am assured of this by the very nature of these feelings. they cause me to feel warm, connected, and peaceful. in the midst of chaos, i can access these feelings and step down from terror to a place in my mind which is more calm and present. there is not escape, but relief. a shift in perception- a miracle.
i have written previously about all the lives that have left before me. somewhere along the line, i came to understand that continuing to make a mess of my life was a disrespect to those i loved and lost. they were not afforded the opportunities i have now, so who do i think i am shitting all over something i have been given and they have not. how dare i take for granted what is not really mine at all. and i realized that i might be better off to make useful and take advantage of the gift before me.
this realization i think began my shift from the ghost realm to a human realm. i have learned that it is imperative to access gratitude et al to maintain some balance and be reminded.
so here i sit. powerless. connected. attached. awake. grateful.