change

caught with my pants down

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“Of all the things to worry about; the Wookie has no pants.”  ― Mark Hamill
“Of all the things to worry about; the Wookie has no pants.”
― Mark Hamill

 

it happened repeatedly this week. i walked through doorways which held sights and smells and sounds for which i had not been prepared. i didn’t handle them gracefully nor was i able to “handle” them all. but i walked through as much as i could and i have made it through to be ready for the next day.

there is an anchor quality to patience. it is not my first go-to coping skill, but it is an effective one. an omnipresent tendency towards panic and catastrophizing is an embedded part of my spritual dance. i find myself taking my imagination to the worst places and then having to work my way back to calm requires effort and focus which is drained from advancement.

my mind has resembled a yo yo this week. unravelling and then ravelling back in. then repeat and repeat again.

heaven help me find a less repetitive dance please. and can i find my other shoe, too?

blowing dead leaves from the gutters

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“To hear never-heard sounds,  To see never-seen colors and shapes,  To try to understand the imperceptible  Power pervading the world;  To fly and find pure ethereal substances  That are not of matter  But of that invisible soul pervading reality.  To hear another soul and to whisper to another soul;  To be a lantern in the darkness  Or an umbrella in a stormy day;  To feel much more than know.  To be the eyes of an eagle, slope of a mountain;  To be a wave understanding the influence of the moon;  To be a tree and read the memory of the leaves;  To be an insignificant pedestrian on the streets  Of crazy cities watching, watching, and watching.  To be a smile on the face of a woman  And shine in her memory  As a moment saved without planning.”  ― Dejan Stojanovic
“To hear never-heard sounds,
To see never-seen colors and shapes,
To try to understand the imperceptible
Power pervading the world;
To fly and find pure ethereal substances
That are not of matter
But of that invisible soul pervading reality.
To hear another soul and to whisper to another soul;
To be a lantern in the darkness
Or an umbrella in a stormy day;
To feel much more than know.
To be the eyes of an eagle, slope of a mountain;
To be a wave understanding the influence of the moon;
To be a tree and read the memory of the leaves;
To be an insignificant pedestrian on the streets
Of crazy cities watching, watching, and watching.
To be a smile on the face of a woman
And shine in her memory
As a moment saved without planning.”
― Dejan Stojanovic

 

couldn’t tell you the exact moment that change happened.

only know that it has been happening and hasn’t finished.

there is a sense of ritual and proportion that pervades this time of year.

prepare, prune, plant, remove, make room, hibernate

can’t be all that i desire. can only be as close to best as i can.

i felt a cold breeze accompanied by comfort.

this was familiar and primal

it is technicolor fading to sepia

it is work and it has worked this way for millenia

even for a blowhard like me

new world

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“You are the community now. Be a lamp for yourselves. Be your own refuge. Seek for no other. All things must pass. Strive on diligently. Don’t give up.”  ― Gautama Buddha
“You are the community now. Be a lamp for yourselves. Be your own refuge. Seek for no other. All things must pass. Strive on diligently. Don’t give up.”
― Gautama Buddha

 

last week rang in a couple of big changes. i accepted a new position in community outreach for a local hepc education and advocacy organization. i also ended a recently rekindled work relationship which seemed instantly a bad idea. it is a new world i will be swimming in once august is in full swing.

i feel very blesed to be where i am at in my life. i made a change in my career without a full plan and then a plan emerged- actually a couple of plans. this seems more than a blessing to me. it seems supportive. and it all seems a delicious adventure.

i will be travelling to michigan to spend time with friends at the lake and take a proper vacation. i will cook, get some sun, catch up on reading, and giggle as often as i can.

a friend posted this mix and i am going to listen to it during my workout today.  he is in the process of major change in his life as well. somehow it feels like getting a hug from him- so ruben- have a hug from me!