career

break

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it seems the future is starting before i have prepared. in truth, this is precisely how it is supposed to be. i have made efforts, decisions, and moves to make change occur in my life, and before i can say windsurfing on lake michigan, changes are in motion.

i have come from a week away from the day to day stress i usually encounter. it was such a gift to have a break. i am so glad i took a break before i start my new endeavor with work. i am not at all sure what to expect, but i feel at peace enough to not sweat the not knowing too much. besides, i think it is what is natural when we enjoy doing nothing for awhile.

 

unwind, unbind, rewind, remind

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last friday i flew to chicago and promptly drove to union pier michigan with a couple of friends to spend time in a cottage here that they have adopted as their home away. i spent the 1st 36 hours unwinding, rewinding, unbinding, and unbending all the knots and twists and broken places that i have barely noticed have taken place since this part of my journey began nearly 10 years ago.

it seems so simple now with hindsight to see that most of what i have experienced may well have been about patching holes i had in my life rather than creating new space and adventures. it seems funny and almost bittersweet to think that i have been refinishing and re-upholstering these last 10 years to try to bring my being to reflect the empirical value of my experiences and my life to be emblematic of a metaphor with the value of all the experiences, tragedies, and triumphs that any life may hold.

these next years just may be about seeing what this old but polished up vessel may still have left in her with regard to sea-worthiness. i can’t guarantee she will sail around the world, but i am confident there will be new ports of call. this is cause for hope.

i plan on connecting with a former neighbor who has relocated to a town about 10 minutes from here. it seems strange that life can be so connected that my past can intersect with my present in such a randomly concise way. but that is life as i know it.

i typed out a post which seemed perfect earlier here. then with one random stroke trying to properly place my little pic of the beach stairs, i erased those 8 paragraphs. i don’t have it in me to recreate them. i know better than to be angry about it. i can only move forward in the here and now. letting go of what could have been and what i intended. what i am left with is what actually from 1 perspective. no doubt it is as good as it gets. loving this rewind.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11T8qRgum0g

new world

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“You are the community now. Be a lamp for yourselves. Be your own refuge. Seek for no other. All things must pass. Strive on diligently. Don’t give up.”  ― Gautama Buddha
“You are the community now. Be a lamp for yourselves. Be your own refuge. Seek for no other. All things must pass. Strive on diligently. Don’t give up.”
― Gautama Buddha

 

last week rang in a couple of big changes. i accepted a new position in community outreach for a local hepc education and advocacy organization. i also ended a recently rekindled work relationship which seemed instantly a bad idea. it is a new world i will be swimming in once august is in full swing.

i feel very blesed to be where i am at in my life. i made a change in my career without a full plan and then a plan emerged- actually a couple of plans. this seems more than a blessing to me. it seems supportive. and it all seems a delicious adventure.

i will be travelling to michigan to spend time with friends at the lake and take a proper vacation. i will cook, get some sun, catch up on reading, and giggle as often as i can.

a friend posted this mix and i am going to listen to it during my workout today.  he is in the process of major change in his life as well. somehow it feels like getting a hug from him- so ruben- have a hug from me!

dive right in… the water’s fine

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Mosh pits aAnnotatend bare chest Stage diving sky diver Spray the crowd with cold water Now it's mosh pits and wet tits I think I need a cold shower Cool waters African girl speaks in English accent Likes to fuck boys in bands Likes to watch Westerns And ride me without the hands Show me her passport She’s on her own tour But you're beautiful to me Wave em high girl to the sky But you’re beautiful to me Live in the clouds Wave em high girl, to the sky But you’re beautiful to me Life in the clouds Keep em high ya’ll Beautiful stars In the sky... Frank Ocean
Mosh pits Annotated bare chest
Stage diving sky diver
Spray the crowd with cold water
Now it’s mosh pits and wet tits
I think I need a cold shower
Cool waters
African girl speaks in English accent
Likes to fuck boys in bands
Likes to watch Westerns
And ride me without the hands
Show me her passport
She’s on her own tour
But you’re beautiful to me
Wave em high girl to the sky
But you’re beautiful to me
Live in the clouds
Wave em high girl, to the sky
But you’re beautiful to me
Life in the clouds
Keep em high ya’ll
Beautiful stars
In the sky… Frank Ocean

 

 

i am fairly certain that the unknowing i am experiencing is very much what my favorite buddhist authors describe. it is the space between leaving the ground after deciding to dive and before i hit the water. there is a tentative quality and a sense of fear and not knowing. it is completely disconnected and yet it is described as the true way to adventure.

i can’t go back-and really wouldn’t even if. where i was had been toxic for some time and i was too sheepish to admit. but i was slowly disengaging from my work and my days and watching in slow motion as a deadly collision came into view.

so i find myself here- on the verge of i know not what. i am trusting my life and second guessing that trust. and trusting again and re second guessing. it’s a bit kooky. but it’s my process.

i have made a choice and taken a direction. it is not the beginning, nor is it even close to the end of the journey. i can’t say just where i am going, nor can i precisely relay where i have just been. that will take some time.

but i have jumped. and i am flying. i notice fear. i feel uninformed. i feel restless. i do not know. but i am flying anyway.

and i am more than grateful for this experience. this is all borrowed time. i never planned it. yet it’s mine. for now.

i have dived right in. they say the water is fine. i guess i’ll let you know.

he came, he criticized, he left

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It is better to travel well than to arrive. Buddha
It is better to travel well than to arrive.
Buddha

“The experience of being a gay man in the twenty-first century is different from that of any other minority, sexual orientation, gender, or culture grouping. We are different from, on the one hand, women, and on the other hand, straight men. Our lives are a unique blending of testosterone and gentleness, hypersexuality and delicate sensuality, rugged masculinity and refined gentility. There is no other group quite like that of the gay men. We are a culture of our own…. Alan Downs The Velvet Rage

i have been romanticizing the image of mary poppins leaving after her zany and heartwarming interlude at the banks’ home since my eyes opened a bit more last november.  poppins came, she worked her magic and taught some lessons, and when she felt the family members’ had expanded their own views of their lives and their connected life together, she opened her bumbershoot and let the wind lift her to her next adventure.

this speaks to the work i do and how i feel about it. i naively believe that having an impact on the system i work within will somehow impact the system for good. sadly it is not always the case. permanent change is an oxymoron in itself. change happens, but just as true is that change then happens again.

i admit, rather sheepishly, that when the systems i work within begin to revert back or move beyond the changes i have participated in, i flee. it becomes time to go. i can’t say whether this is a weakness or a strength or whether any of the changes i have helped orchestrate create a better world. i can say i leave a real part of myself on the table and i exit as a better person- stronger, with more insight, and i find a place to have a more open heart- although sometimes that takes work.

my life change this week. a new season begins and i will let the wind carry me.

was that all it was…… woooooooho…….oohooo

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There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth...not going all the way, and not starting. - Buddha
There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth…not going all the way, and not starting. – Buddha

it is strange how my own nature can be so damn bewitching. i am in the process of a pretty major transition and although it has been simmering for several months, it actually moved onto the front burner rather recently.

i have had the good fortune to work with people who can use help. and they allow me to try to help them. this is the part of my daily life that i love the most. i don’t fix anybody ever. i just try to help them see themselves as ok. heaven knows that it took me nearly 50 years to get there- so i have lots of travel information about that journey.

so i am leaving my current format for offering assistance and looking for another. i wonder if i will ever tire of trying too hard or taking it too personally. i don’t know about that. i doubt it really. my emotional vibrations often influence my decisions. i don’t think i like this. i am pretty sure i’m not proud of this.

(yeah-ah was that all it was)
(wooooooho)
(oohooo)
Was that all it was
A way to pass some time
momentary thing
not worth the memory
in the morning
must it be could be cold
something bought and sold
was it just a game
would you recall my name
if you saw me
I wanna be your one love
if we ever meet again (meet again)
now that I’ve been your love
Is this how it’s gonna end?
Will we ever be just friends?
Run to me every now and then
whow-whow-whow-whow-oh
was that all it was
night out on the town
an excersise of will
or what you needed filled
did you use me
I wanna be your one love
if we ever meet again (meet again)
now that I’ve been your love
Is this how it’s gonna end?
Will we ever be just friends?
Run to me every now and then
whow-whow-whow-whow-oh
was that all it was
when you close the door
passion left behind
out of sight and out of mind
gone forever
was that all it was?
was that all it was?
ooh tell me
did you use me?
huh?

 

 

under pressure

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On the other hand, what I like my music to do to me is awaken the ghosts inside of me. Not the demons, you understand, but the ghosts. David Bowie
On the other hand, what I like my music to do to me is awaken the ghosts inside of me. Not the demons, you understand, but the ghosts.
David Bowie

 

i think i may have reached a turning point in my career. at this juncture, i have encountered something which seems new and also defeatist. that something is fear.

i am not sure what exactly i am afraid of which might actually make this whole situation seem worse. i might be afraid of failure which is possible. i might be afraid of losing my security which has sensible attributes. i might actually be afraid  that my colleagues and supervisors may judge me although i have no doubt that they already engage in activities like that. but as i said, i am not sure what i might fearful of.

and being fearful is what is unusual for me. until now, i have just moved forward with ideas and creating processes and programs mostly because i was in the position to do so and i could channel the capability. as i stand on the threshold of doing more and creating more, i feel the winds of second thoughts and reticence and the whole thing has me a bit spooked.

experience tells me that creating processes and programs comes with a price tag. i have given up friends, i have let go of support mechanisms that were dear, and  i have walked through old trauma as it was triggered by a rival. i have played politics among frenemies as if it were a poker tournament for dollars and control.

this gambling and wagering and jockeying for the win happen to be my least favorite of all this. i would just prefer to have the freedom to create things and i definitely would prefer that all the processes and ideas i have would be wonderful and win accolades. sadly tho, that is fantastical rubbish. there are many players who have similar ideas and hold similar hopes.

maybe i just don’t want the competition. maybe i just don’t like to lose. i do like challenges. i don’t however like to walk precarious paths in order to rise above those challenges at least not while being scrutinized by rivals.

it seems that the turning point i speak of has to do with coming in off this ledge i seemed to have wandered onto. i have to make a decision to try something more (or not).  i guess we’ll see how this all turns out.

 

Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don’t work
Keep coming up with love but it’s so slashed and torn
Why, why, why?

Love

Insanity laughs under pressure we’re cracking
Can’t we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can’t we give love that one more chance?
Why can’t we give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love?..