a silver lining in the sky has recently been revealed in my world. it is completely unexpected and its warmth has emanated to my core. i don’t know where it will lead or how long it will be in my world, however i intend to do my very best to bask in the light of the spirit. i am nonplussed. all i can do is scream through the fear and run towards the light. thank you universe for the opportunity to be surprised. and thank you friends for believing in me when i am not sure i was able to believe in myself.
I’m coming out
I want the world to know
Got to let it show
I’m coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show
There’s a new me coming out
And I just had to live
And I wanna give
I’m completely positive
I think this time around
I am gonna do it
Like you never knew it
Ooh, I’ll make it through
The time has come for me
To break out of this shell
I have to shout
That I am coming out
….. lyrics bernard evans and nile rogers..
and wow to the 3rd power
what is that saying? “more shall be revealed”
such is the slogan for the snapshot of my life right now. i understand now some of the reasons i stepped away from management those years ago. it holds challenges for me that had slipped into the mists. i was raised an only child and i struggle to this day in a “family’ environment. it isn’t second nature as it may be for others. i have been reminded almost daily that i have growing up to do- and my life invites me to grow patience and understanding.
of course i am really hoping (banking too) on my ability to stretch from my comfort zone here. certainly part of me is full of fear. it hurts to stretch and i can almost hear a cracking sound as my ego encounters its safety net.. there is an aspect of me though that fills with hope like a crushed plastic bottle regains it shape after being squeezed flat. my soul might very well be giving a metaphorical “ahhh”!
i hope so. i really hope so. i like the new direction.
well my friends- wonders never cease. a decision was made to get back into the management side of work. after the last few years and positions left me wading through frustration because decisions that were made regarding direction and implementation without much input from me.
i had left management because i became so frustrated with managing people. it felt much more like childsitting. what was more frustrating though was that leadership felt hollow and foreign and completely disconnected from me.
i managed a bucketshop for international ticketing in colorado for 12 years for a relative and his best friend from college. the business grew from a meagre $1M in sales to $17M after 10 years. we grew a wholesale niche of our business as we had become so adept at growing the retail aspect of our business. it felt quite a feat to sell directly to our competition and have them feel fairly confident about buying from us because we were closer and felt more reliable that the bucket shops on either of the coasts.
1988- 1998 was a giddy and madcap time in my life. i joined the lgbt mixed chorus and sang with them for several years, making new friends who had the chorus in common with me. i drank way too much then to douse my feelings as i was still waiting to die at any moment from aids. i had tested positve in 1985 and had moved to colorado in 1988 with the intention of dying. i worked on the travel company as a distraction the darker fears. it worked well. but i managed to over-imbibe myself into a year’s probation and an emotional break which caused me to leave being in charge behind. i haven’t looked back until late last year. upon taking yet another glass ceiling position, i was swirling in the stench of professional and creative stagnation and opted to take a big leap of faith.
mind you- after having survived the death knoll and surviving the grimm reaper shadowing my door as well as losing everything material and spiritual to addiction, the fear of losing everything has lost much of its impact. i know i have survived so much and have faith that i will somehow be able to do it again if required. but really i needed a challenge. i needed something to yank my chain and fill my heart and mind with wonder and hope.
and amidst the pages of this queer and colorful storybook in which i have taken a position, i have perhaps tapped the tree of life and am catching its sap in to quench a thirst.
i have been promoted and am at liberty to implement some changes and ideas and programs into several small SA/MH clinics in our state. I am at liberty to train recovery coaches. i am encouraged to create a small community of peer coaches and peer supporters to help my community feel better about itself. i hope to leave my world and my workplace much better than i found it.
“And as the years flowed by, some villagers told travelers of a beast and a beauty who lived in the castle and could be seen walking on the battlements, and others told of two beauties, and others, of two beasts.”
― Emma Donoghue, Kissing the Witch: Old Tales in New Skins
have had a sinus infection for over 2 weeks now.
individual nature continues to go in the direction it always has. the position i find myself standing in often reflects the position one which i have been facing before.
the onset of worry is sometimes like the blanket i use to keep my body warm while i sleep.
the business of selling myself has developed a ritualistic and spiral flavor.
i lost touch with my sense of kindness recently as i felt hurt by indifference.
i feel vindicated as i take refuge in a shelter from the elements, but this break from my path has cost time.
what good is a win if it takes a toll in serenity?
as the earth moves on, so must we.
forgiveness rarely keeps us stuck.
am trying to reconcile the events of the last 2 months. had been working on a program for a couple of years and giving a big slice of my time and energy. shifts in philosophy at the workplace brought disenchantment on my part and lifted the veil on a sense of futility i’m a survivor but not a fighter. after about 6 months of realizing that the program in question was merely a photo-shopped image in a frame meant to allude to a scope of success that wasn’t real. it is like the cory gardner tv political ads showing him with his grandmother, in a local diner, and hiking in some “dick’s sporting goods” couture silently infers that he is simple folk. he is a social climber first, mountain climber last. so it was with my last project. it was treatment compliance first, recovery much much later ( if ever it might seem)
this revelation shattered my orbit. and i responded as i repeatedly do. i walked away. ready to start over. as is my experience. as is my modus operandi. this character defect may very well need to be examined or no doubt it will rear its howling head.
the next move taken seemed effortless. it required no thought or real energy and provided a six-week vacation which was both fulfilling and draining at the same time. turns out that living without a connection to inspiration is harder than working an 80 hour week. and it turns out that the easy button remains a ghost ideal in my story. very little of any real value will fall gently upon my desk. the value in living accompanies the game, the strategy, the problem solving, and most importantly the motivation. swimming in a sea of malcontent clogs the pores of inspiration. and creativity doesn’t respond well to regulary fired dismissives. it’s like a dog that continually urinates on a patch of the lawn until its dead.
without buy-in, my life is just a read-through and frankly, there’s not that much life yet to waste.
odd turn of events just now though. had submitted resumes to 3 organizations and just today received a call for an interview. drawing conclusions, making assumptions about future events is not my strong suit. starting over is well within my skill set. probably one of my sharpest tools. but the same old same old does not feel as comfortable as it has before. is it ennui? i it melancholy? is that all there is?
mebbe this post can be viewed as an affirmation. with regard to personal growth, it would be an adventure to not repeat my routine.
on another melancholy note… i remember seeing peggy lee live at the drury lane theater in chicago in the late 70’s during my short stint as a cosmetology student at ippilito’s school in the suburbs. the stage had oxygen blowing directly on her because her COPD was so advanced. the show was sublime and that is another show whose memory i will covet until the end.
as a result of my recent resignation from the workplace, an ask of direction as well as intention seems a good next step. one could wonder if perhaps i might have benefitted from taking the time to do this seriously prior to stepping through the next appearing doorway. but that particular hindsight may have no influence here.
this blog falls under the purview of this next step. started blogging during my 3rd year of recovery about 2006. it was fun then taking on a new hobby. it felt clunky and i didn’t have a road map. there were online communities and instructions, but that is not how i have ever learned a skill (this trait still holds true). i remember when i got my first comment on my blog from a fellow blogger from idaho who was struggling with some similar issues as well as struggling with his life choices. it is an instant recall to muster the excitement and validation i felt when some unknown soul from outside my own personal universe connected with my journey. i was hooked and soon i had fashioned a support network of seekers from around the globe which was less demanding and intimate than my friends in real life. it extended my outreach and influence, while at the same time i stunted my emotional growth experience.
but as my recovery journey emanated beyond the blog-o-sphere and co-mingled with my career path my inspiration and artistic freedom shrank. although blogging remains a vital spiritual practice for me, the profile of this practice has diminished these 8 years. the output is restricted to internal struggles, the organically embedded love of music woven through me, and reposted images and graphics. many times, i find myself sitting in front of the keyboard engaging in a sort of improvisational blogging, drawing inspiration from a found jpg or png, or a swirling few tidbits of a newly discovered or recently remembered melody or lyric. it is mostly rote and completely routine providing more reassurance to me than release. i am more connected with the process than i am with the content. it has become more objectively introspective than externally exploration and provides the sustenance of a snack now than the meal it served up at the start of it all. i now possess a sense of ownership rather than the inspiration i once knew.
i long for a rekindling of my spiritual connectedness to this process. i continue to resonate with a life built upon shame based trauma. it is a reflection of my own story, but i don’t seem to have gained insight by a continued stream of internal review.
just as it became appropriate to transition from journalling about addiction, treatment, hiv, meth, and rogue sexual ideology to the more reflective topic of long-term recovery, it now seems time to channel a new muse.
i am unsure if i am too weathered to begin all over. i long to use personally generated graphics and images at least as a philosophy and a cornerstone of my product. it seems imperative to extend my view outward and process my experience from an evolved vantage point.