amos lee

9/28/2015 means 11 years of recovery – thank you universe

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“You’re not stuck in traffic, you are the traffic.” “Right now, you are both the youngest you’ll ever be again and the oldest you’ve ever been.” “You have no friends. You have no enemies. You only have teachers.” “If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.” ~ Lao Tzu “Never attribute a person’s level of intelligence to the amount of money in their paycheck.” “You’re a ghost driving a meat-coated skeleton made from stardust.” “When fascism comes to America [etc], it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross.” “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” ~ Ian MacLaren (widely misattributed to Plato) “Be the Change you wish to see in the World.” ~ (Not) Gandhi
“You’re not stuck in traffic, you are the traffic.”
“Right now, you are both the youngest you’ll ever be again and the oldest you’ve ever been.”
“You have no friends. You have no enemies. You only have teachers.”
“If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.” ~ Lao Tzu
“Never attribute a person’s level of intelligence to the amount of money in their paycheck.”
“You’re a ghost driving a meat-coated skeleton made from star dust.”
“When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross.”
“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” ~ Ian MacLaren (widely misattributed to Plato)
“Be the Change you wish to see in the World.” ~ (Not) Gandhi
when i started the recovery journey at 46, i had few (if any) expectations about where it may take me. frankly, i didn’t expect much as i had been such a shoddy marksman when it came to working out anything in my life that i dared not hope for much at all. i had long before crossed every line i  had drawn no matter the cost, mostly to keep myself from seeing my true image in the mirror.

in these 11 years, i have seen my world evolve . i have looked back without fear. i have let go of some ancient and toxic thinking. i have been able to forgive myself for so much and forgive others too. i have focused on working with others. i have learned about honesty and am still trying to embrace it. i have trusted myself enough once in awhile to lean in to life instead of running away. here is an excerpt from a book titled “faith, hope, and courage” which has inspired me all eleven of these years.

“Reaching Out”


“I made it into this Program because someone else worked their Twelfth Step on me. Someone passed it on to me. Someone was out there after they got clean and sober, caring about others. I need to never, ever forget that. Had they simply gone on with their lives and forgotten about people like me who were still out there using and suffering, I wouldn’t be here today. My gratitude begins with that fact. It is with that gratitude in mind that I reach out to others, especially the newcomers. I need to have them in my life. That is where my spirituality begins.

For me, spirituality comes from caring about others. I have found that the more I focus on improving the quality of the lives of others, the less I am into myself and my will. I feel a freedom and peace from within. The gifts I am beginning to receive in my life are greater than I could have ever imagined.

Something else I have done is that I have forgiven myself. I have forgiven myself for being an addict. I have forgiven myself for all the damage I did to my life, to my physical health, and to my career and finances. But most of all, I have forgiven myself for all of the horrible, negative and unloving things I have felt about myself. It was not until I offered and accepted my own forgiveness, that I was truly able to grow in my sobriety.”

i have so many to thank for this grace in saying 11 years sober without whom my life would never have seen me here. everyday is proof that miracles are real. and everyday i get to work on coloring inside the lines while i draw outside them.

May I be well, happy, and peaceful.
May my teachers be well, happy, and peaceful.
May my parents be well, happy, and peaceful.
May my relatives be well, happy, and peaceful.
May my friends be well, happy, and peaceful.
May the indifferent persons be well, happy, and peaceful.
May the unfriendly persons be well, happy, and peaceful
May all meditators be well, happy, and peaceful.
May all beings be well, happy, and peaceful.

 

 

acoustic sunday amos lee

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Thus shall ye think of this fleeting world: A star at dawn, a bubble in a stream; A flash of lightning in a summer cloud; A flickering lamp, a phantom, and a dream.
Thus shall ye think of this fleeting world:
A star at dawn, a bubble in a stream;
A flash of lightning in a summer cloud;
A flickering lamp, a phantom, and a dream.

Look up, child
The world is born
Shoe’s untied
And your soles are worn

Windows are rolled down
Sun is setting high
Windows are rolled down
I’m fixing to die

Corn rows have companion feel
This rocky road and this steering wheel
Who do you call to ease your pain?
I hope for you to get through this rain

Windows are rolled down
Moon is hanging low
Windows are rolled down
Think it’s time for me to go, hey

Is it what you dreamed it’d be?
Are you locked up in this fantasy?
Oh, this miles that have torn us apart
My new found faith and my broken heart

Windows are rolled down
Sun is rising high
Windows are rolled down
Feel that wind rushing by, hey

Windows

acoustic sundays

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The thing the sixties did was to show us the possibilities and the responsibility that we all had. It wasn't the answer. It just gave us a glimpse of the possibility. John Lennon
The thing the sixties did was to show us the possibilities and the responsibility that we all had. It wasn’t the answer. It just gave us a glimpse of the possibility.
John Lennon

an unexpected pairing

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There's monsters in all of us, but there's also vulnerability. Finn Wittrock
There’s monsters in all of us, but there’s also vulnerability.
Finn Wittrock

well my friends- wonders never cease. a decision was made to get back into the management side of work. after the last few years and positions left me wading through frustration because decisions that were made regarding direction and implementation without much input from me.

i had left management because i became so frustrated with managing people. it felt much more like childsitting. what was more frustrating though was that leadership felt hollow and foreign and completely disconnected from me.

i managed a bucketshop for international ticketing in colorado for 12 years for a relative and his best friend from college. the business grew from a meagre $1M in sales to $17M after 10 years. we grew a wholesale niche of our business as we had become so adept at growing the retail aspect of our business. it felt quite a feat to sell directly to our competition and have them feel fairly confident about buying from us because we were closer and felt more reliable that the bucket shops on either of the coasts.

1988- 1998 was a giddy and madcap time in my life. i joined the lgbt mixed chorus and sang with them for several years, making new friends who had the chorus in common with me. i drank way too much then to douse my feelings as i was still waiting to die at any moment from aids. i had tested positve in 1985 and had moved to colorado in 1988 with the intention of dying. i worked on the travel company as a distraction the darker fears. it worked well. but i managed to over-imbibe myself into a year’s probation and an emotional break which caused me to leave being in charge behind. i haven’t looked back until late last year. upon taking yet another glass ceiling position, i was swirling in the stench of professional and creative stagnation and opted to take a big leap of faith.

mind you- after having survived the death knoll and surviving the grimm reaper shadowing my door as well as losing everything material and spiritual to addiction, the fear of losing everything has lost much of its impact. i know i have survived so much and have faith that i will somehow be able to do it again if required. but really i needed a challenge. i needed something to yank my chain and fill my heart and mind with wonder and hope.

and amidst the pages of this queer and colorful storybook in which i have taken a position, i have perhaps tapped the tree of life and am catching its sap in to quench a thirst.

i have been promoted and am at liberty to implement some changes and ideas and programs into several small SA/MH clinics in our state. I am at liberty to train recovery coaches. i am encouraged to create a small community of peer coaches and peer supporters to help my community feel better about itself. i hope to leave my world and my workplace much better than i found it.

“And as the years flowed by, some villagers told travelers of a beast and a beauty who lived in the castle and could be seen walking on the battlements, and others told of two beauties, and others, of two beasts.”
Emma Donoghue, Kissing the Witch: Old Tales in New Skins