meth culture

removing the blindfold

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wherever you go, there you are.
now.. to be brave enough to see yourself

whew! what a month this march has been. as i start to look back it definitely feels as if march aggressively blew in like a lion in my life. and it ripped the blindfold i had been wearing about who i am. it’s sobering to be reminded of some weaknesses, especially when it involves my judgement and ego.  sobering indeed to find i  am still impulsive to a fault at times and let my decisions be dictated by my pride. 

but at the end of the day, this simply underlines my humanity. my head understands all this but there is this part that expects so much more from me. if you follow me here, you know this is a broken record. comfort is here though because i am human. flawed, average, vulnerable. no biggie.

i met a guy who spent 23 years in prison. he was released about 5 years ago for a couple of years only to find out he was hiv positive. for some odd reason he went back to the joint after 2 years and is now back out and trying to put together a life. he is homeless, has been smoking crack no doubt because it numbs everything out, and i’m sure he’s weighing the options of being on the outside versus going back in.

my impression is that he may not know he is doing this. he’s been locked up so long that he may not have the skills or the cojones to carve out a new life. this was a heart-opening meeting for me and i am pulling for him. i guess i am pulling for him in the sense that whatever decision he makes, it won’t be too tragic or painful for him. i’ll bet he has suffered enough in his life.

the dark side of benzos keeps creeping onto my pages. there are folks who take meds for pain. now many people who do this don’t run into negative issues, but there are some who can’t seem to moderate themselves. more, more more becomes the battle cry and lying, drama, and greed often follow. and trying to assist in picking up the pieces at this stage can be a roller coaster. air bags not included.

i cried at the conclusion of american idol this week. casey’s reaction to being saved was reality tv at its very best. everybody needs a moment or two like that in their lives. and actually, this season seems to be a little more gentle and easy as far as the judges go. maybe simon brought an unnecessary critical edge. i guess we’ll see.

meth is still cutting a swatch through the field of young gay men’s dreams in my town. guy after guy keep turning up with broken lives, dessimated hearts, and hollowed out eyes in need of some tlc. don’t know if we have all they need, but we have redefined our focus on how to help. knowing this and living this offers me reprieve. i just hope others get some, too.

i came across a guy named mike posner ‘cuz he did a cover of adele’s “rolling in the deep” (embedded in sidebar) which immediately became a favorite. his album debuted in august ’10 and i think he is probably one to watch – or listen for…

regional delight

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a few weeks back, i had the unexpected pleasure of seeing a small film that was a big surprise. it’s an independent effort made in southern missouri. a small story with a big impact- at least on me. the tale is distinctly american. a local southern ozark girl is running the household she lives in. she’s 17 and she is the main caretaker for her younger sister and brother as well as a mother that has checked out from life from all we can tell. the mother’s still living, but has emotionally vanished from the responsibility pool. her father, a career meth cooker, has been in and out of prison/jail and is currently out on bond. our heroine is completely at home in this environment- it’s all she knows, but she hasn’t fallen pray to it’s lifestyle. she remains focused and sober, coveting dreams of her own.  a sheriff stops by to inform our heroine that her beloved daddy has put the house she and her family are living in up for bond, and if he doesn’t show for court, they will be homeless.

this sets the stage for her search to find her father and talk some sense into him. after all, she has been diligently and dutifully taking care of the family, leaving him to pursue the work of his dreams. she too though, has dreams of her own. she wants to join the army and get a break from the uninvited burden of raising a family. besides, she wants to get as far from the poverty ridden ozarks as she possibly can.

this lead-in starts the journey of the daughter visiting the local mountain community- all seeped in the meth culture. relatives, friends, and strangers all carry a distinct local flavor and the film has an undeniably intimate and local vibe. my senses felt caressed and nourished after watching this film. the sets are as barren and bleak as a dry mountain winter’s day. there are no special effects besides the quiet that two actors speaking no lines can produce.

do yourself a favor… make a decided effort to see this film… chilling story… quietly vast performances….  winter’s bone… directed by debra granik