There is no fire like greed,
No crime like hatred,
No sorrow like separation,
No sickness like hunger of heart,
And no joy like the joy of freedom.
Health, contentment and trust
Are your greatest possessions,
And freedom your greatest joy.
Look within. Be still.
Free from fear and attachment,
Know the sweet joy of living in the way.
from the Dhammapada, Words of the Buddha
a blessing in life is that the lessons keep on coming. the burden in life is that the lessons keep coming. aggravatingly, as i go through this testing in life, the questions circle back around. as much as i would easily settle for a “c” or a “d” on this test, but the answers that i got wrong somehow blow away with the wind as the questions reappear as if bran new, asking to have the multiple choices examined once again.
somewhere inside this path i take which mirrors the moon orbiting the earth, i get stunned again and again that i find myself under dressed after i have (metaphorically) given my clothes away. this dance is perpetual, rotational, and feels often like being on the tilt-a-whirl.
is it physical? is it mental health? is it a weakness? is it an intrinsic flaw? spiritual? probably yes to all?
my own nature is what comprises my hopes as well as my demise.. i am consistently part of the dance. always will be that way. wherever i go, there i am… so i have to find a way to be at peace with myself.
one thing i have come to know closely this last onth is that when i make efforts to change and the universe responds, well then thing are going to be different. damn! it is not easy to be different. it is easier to grow into being different. and of course that’s what happens when we change. we grow. and there is a death. and a dirge. and a birth.
tara branch’s quote is precisely reflecting my conundrum du jour. if i am to change, how best can i do this with true healthy change in view? how can i not make emotional decisions?
Week 4: Smart Things 10 12 and A vision for you
- When you are hurt or upset, what do you do to comfort yourself?
- How has your recovery helped you develop a personal compass in your life?
- The Ninth Step promises in Alcoholics Anonymous, page 84, indicate that “we will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us.” How has this manifested itself in your life?
- How do you respond to conﬂict or tension in your relationship?
- What perspective would you need to take in order to see the tension in your relationship as an opportunity for you to work on your emotional sobriety?
- What would it mean to you if you started to look at the real problem as how you cope with a situation rather than the problem being the problem?
- Emotional sobriety creates emotional resilience. This means that we can stay clean and sober regardless of a difficult situation or circumstance, regardless of health or illness, regardless of success or failure. Is your recovery this stable? Do you have this kind of faith in yourself? What idea would you need to give up to have this kind of faith in your recovery?
from “12 smart things to do when the booze and drugs are gone” by allen berger
with the continuing change going on in my daily work life, i find myself perpetually moving or shifting or adjusting or waiting for any or all of those. the clients i work with have expanded to well beyond hiv. i am working with opioid replacement clients, with hep-c positive patients, and with dually diagnosed patients- all of which i certainly worked before, however the challenges and the life experiences are more diverse.
adding to this, i have been asked to chair a board for a recovery advocacy organization. this is a request which i am not quite ready to provide an answer at this time. i am waiting to hear a response from the lender who holds the note on my townhouse, because that transition will affect my life the most primarily. and to add to the shake-ups, i have applied for an additional counseling position to replace the 12K that i dropped this last year- which set some of this current richter scale action in motion and i continue to wait to discover if this is a good fit.
i am in awe of the confidence i have rendered in all this chaos. and i feel comforted by the lack of panic. i don’t know what is next, but i am moving forward with faith and trust in my relationship with the world. wow- did i even write that? but it’s true. i feel connected and i welcome tomorrow.
i don’t always satisfy the expectations of those around me. i still often judge my actions very harshly at first. i stumble in new situations and misspeak and misstep as often as i get it right. but what really keeps me going is my fairly newly acquired sense that i am okay. nothing great certainly, but nothing broken. for all my life, i felt-no believed- that i was flawed- twisted and warped. this is a belief that has had a metamorphosis into something else and been carried away with the winds. this is definitely an easier way to live.