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no no samo samo

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“Perhaps the biggest tragedy of our lives is that freedom is possible, yet we can pass our years trapped in the same old patterns...We may want to love other people without holding back, to feel authentic, to breathe in the beauty around us, to dance and sing. Yet each day we listen to inner voices that keep our life small.”  ― Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha
“Perhaps the biggest tragedy of our lives is that freedom is possible, yet we can pass our years trapped in the same old patterns…We may want to love other people without holding back, to feel authentic, to breathe in the beauty around us, to dance and sing. Yet each day we listen to inner voices that keep our life small.”
― Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha

 

one thing i have come to know closely this last onth is that when i make efforts to change and the universe responds, well then thing are going to be different. damn! it is not easy to be different. it is easier to grow into being different. and of course that’s what happens when we change. we grow. and there is a death. and a dirge. and a birth.

tara branch’s quote is precisely reflecting my conundrum du jour. if i am to change, how best can i do this with true healthy change in view? how can i not make emotional decisions?

 

no fascist groove thang

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History will repeat itself

Crisis point we’re near the hour

Counterforce will do no good

Hot you ass I feel your power

Hitler proves that funky stuff

Is not for you and me girl

Europe’s an unhappy land

They’ve had their fascist groove than

Brothers, sisters, we don’t need this fascist groove thang.

i have spent the week struggling to keep my eyes open  i have been lethargic and lacking inspiration. i had an encounter last weekend with  a person that acted as an omen in my life. it tasted bitter and sour and i realized that it was time for a new chapter in my life.  i have heard that we live our life in a spiral and with each rotation we have the opportunity to have more truth revealed- if we are paying attention. i somehow  have the feeling that part of my life has just completed a rotation of sorts. 
i have been on this verge before. my emotions are familiar and ancient right now. i know that i have come to a fork and i am choosing a path. i am letting go of an effort i have been making. it has not been unsuccessful, however i don’t feel that my efforts have been matched. specifically why that hasn’t bothered me until now i am not sure. but that is how the truth seems today. 
i could be tired. i could be emotional. i could be over-reacting, i could be in the wrong. i could be all these things. i can live with being any or all these things.  i have come to understand that i have no obligation to be other than human. 
have my actions been honorable? i think so. have i put in a good effort? time can measure that better than i. have i been honest? in everything but the exit line- completely. am i ready for this? another measure best taken with time. 
underneath it all, a decision has been made- i felt i should wait to decide and so i naturally decided right away. i pressed 10 buttons and unlocked pandora’s box.  and i am tired- tired of tap dancing- tired of balancing, tired of waiting for something to happen. and this last bit is directly connected to a spiral in my life. tonight is not the first time i have made a move- a decision- a change- because i am tired of waiting.  
this takes me back to david  richo’s “how to be an adult in relationships” -especially the short bit called “what hurts us comforts us”. if we grow up around drama- we may create drama in order to recreate that old feeling- even when it doesn’t make sense to do so. i can’t honestly say whether this  is the right decision. i can say that i am prepared to live with this- so that has become plenty for me.
“Our higher needs include making full use of our gifts, finding and fulfilling our calling, being loved and cherished just for ourselves, and being in relationships that honor all of these. Such needs are fulfilled in an atmosphere of the five A’s by which love is shown: attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing.”