i can’t remember being filled with as much anger and disappointment as i \have now coursing through my veins. well- that’s not true- the last time was in 2008. connectedly, there are lessons here for me- i just need to get some distance before i can let all those in. and that anger just may be the same ancient anger- a little like the kraken unleashed.
i have a tendency to say “yes” to things when i might want to honestly take a closer look. but even then- as in this case, i may only see what i want to see. i push past the red flags and keep my eye on my prize. one of the biggest part of this is the inability for me to comprehend that i might not have been up to the task. how do i hear what is going on that isn’t being said? how do i see beyond what i want to see? a really frustrating aspect to my current predicament is that i did say “no” once. i just didn’t stick with that answer.
as i was reading about mirages, i came to understand that mirages are caused by refractions of light with the influence of heat. images appear to be different than they are- whether they bend in an inverted direction or not depends upon the circumstances. in my current situation, it remains to be determined which this is. but no doubt it has been a mirage. or maybe more pointedly, i saw something i wanted to see that just wasn’t there.
so for fun- i thought i would google how to wake from a bad dream. here is something i found. i doubt i will follow all these steps, but it certainly offers some perspective. and i need to smile these days. otherwise i am cavorting with the kraken.
had dinner at parallel 17 last night with friends and then went to Vintage Theatre to see their production of “Equus”. quite a full Saturday evening for me. dinner was very very good as has come to be expected from p17’s upscale vietnamese offerings. the company was sweet. there were three people who share in a community garden so there was lots of talk about seeds, vegetables, and cooking. all things that i love dearly.
the play was memorable. maybe partially because the space is so small and we sat front row. but i think more memorable because the lead performances were steeped in truth and the play itself is compelling and reigns you in as it methodically unveils the workings of a psychotherapist and his dance with a young man who has developed a toxic theology to protect himself from the real world he inhabits.
both provided a lovely distraction from my routine and gave me distraction from my current disappointment. i must say i am highly confused about where i am right now. this feeling of let-down has rolled onto my life very much like the most recent tsunami, tainting almost everything in its path. i find myself trying to figure how where to start shovelling up and digging out. frankly, not only does it feel as if the wind is knocked out of me, but i am afraid of what i am going to find when the clean-up begins.
last week i remember watching the footage from japan and trying to find faith in all that disaster. and i find that i am juggling the same concepts today. i haven’t necessarily lost faith. i just have to rekindle my connection to it. no doubt, on reason i find myself feeling as i do now is a result of disconnect.