comfortably numb

camera obscura… through a glass darkly

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It doesn’t hurt me. 
Do you want to feel how it feels? 
Do you want to know, know that it doesn’t hurt me? 
Do you want to hear about the deal that I’m making? 
You, It’s you and me. 

And if I only could, 
I’d make a deal with God, 
And I’d get him to swap our places, 
Be running up that road, 
Be running up that hill, 
Be running up that building. 
Say, If I only could, oh… 

You don’t want to hurt me, 
But see how deep the bullet lies. 
Unaware, I’m tearing you asunder. 
Ooh, There is thunder in our hearts…. kate bush

the darkness that seems to have settled upon my life at the beginning of this year seems a bit less stifling today. although continuing to be out of sorts, i sense some hope- with regard to specifically what i am not so sure. there is a recurrence of old feelings that i haven’t yet pinpointed.

perhaps there is an innate sense of self-destruction that permeates my foundation. i know that i can’t sense directly what is not right, but with time, i can rewind until i forage the rough steps and the missteps until perhaps motivation emerged.

i now realize (after only 1 week this time) that some ancient feelings got triggered somehow. i reacted as i have trained myself to. i then paused, looked around, and remembered that my emotional responses are not my desired ones. the recoiling of  the released ball of emotional yarn needs to happen. it is happening. staying in the moment is the last instinct.

meanwhile- the image i captured, although based in reality, is not at all a true image nor is the response a real response, but more i have just experienced a reflection of an old reaction.

it’s a lotta friggin work to heal sometimes..

“Please forgive me. This post strains two metaphors and doesn’t do it very artfully. One, the camera obscura, represents, literally, the “dark room” in which many developers find themselves when working with a non-standards-based SOA development platform. The second, “through a glass darkly” represents the transition, indeed, the revolution, that developers need to accept in order to get SOA applications widely deployed”…. an idea lifted from another blogger

uncomfortably numb

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Hello (hello)

Hello (hello)

Is there anybody in there?

Just nod if you can here me

Is there anybody home?

Come on now

I hear you’re feeling down

Well I can ease your pain

And get you on your feet again


I need some information.. first (first)


Just don’t face the facts

Can you show me where it hurts

i was driving to my 2nd job last evening and talking with my friend tommie on the phone… i have not signed oprah’s no phone zone pledge although i think it a good idea. she was talking about the horrors of the bp fiasco in the gulf and how it was too terrifying for her to really think about. they were specifically talking abut the theory that the methane that is being released will explode and create unfathomable damage. she said she and a friend were talking about the subject and she found herself becoming filled with terror and desperation. she thought of her kids and how she would like to see them one last time. she also thought about how she wanted to have sex one more time and considered calling someone who was toxic, but knew would be available.

i shared with her that i too have been horrified beyond measure by this “debacle”. the sheer volume of petroleum that is spilling into the coastal waters continues growing daily and it has become overwhelming. i have found myself just not thinking about it or considering it because it is sincerely overwhelming for me to fathom. i must admit that i freak out if i spill olive oil on the stove or it splatters when i cook, because the clean up becomes a bigger job, but this gulf situation is incomprehensible to me. the lives that are being stunted and crippled, the living creatures that are being phased into non-being and illness, the toxic pluck that the oil representatives are displaying when interfacing with our press and government officials indicate more of a concern about their company than the benefactors they have leased the rights from.

i seriously can’t think about it much without the creation of my own leak of sorts. i can’t think of a way to avoid the pain that will inevitably ensue because of this. so not thinking about it seems a safe choice right away. but i also shared with my friend that somewhere inside me i actually believe that the world will not end. that we will not become part of a massive explosion that erases us. more so, i think that we will find a way to survive this, that we will because we will have to. we may even find a better way to live and the human elements of our journeys such as love, discovery, triumph, forgiveness will continue whether we are driving carbon based fuel vehicles or not.

couldn’t resist posting this oldie… it is campy, but it still seems apropos.. here is early scissor sisters with “comfortably numb”