chet baker

as time goes by

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Ebenezer: Bob, I haven’t taken leave of my senses. I’ve come to them. 

ebenezer scrooge woke up on christmas morning after having been visited by 3 spirits that had rocked his world and his world view. as i imagine, he was stunned for a few moments wondering if there would be more visitors or if this “awake” were real. he runs to his window to confirm that he is in his house, in his time, and “in” his mind. he calls down to a young man passing asking “what day is this?”. upon realizing that his bleak future that was forecast by one of the nighttime visitors had not become real, he felt a sense of relief and hope that he probably had not felt in years.

during a conversation i was having with a friend today, i realized that this very feeling that i imagine scrooge felt was intimate. the ideas that “there’s still time left” and “i can change” have become ideals for me (hopefully all year round). as i have adopted and infused, and distilled them, my life has transformed. well, not simply my life, but my heart, my mind, and my intention has shifted and softened. 
while i was chatting with my amiga on the phone, i teared up ever so and realized that i know these feelings and i know them well. the dark dog days have left for now and the winds of relief fill my sails and take me towards another adventure. and there is wonder and gratitude in my heart. 
as the holiday season reveals the wonders of advent, i hope i continue to carry these ideals. hope, gratitude,  and wonder are like honey in a cup of tea- they are the sweetener and brighten the experience. 
i want to wish my readers a very happy holiday season. 

the love remains

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it all seems so very distant. i loved and laughed freely at one time in my life. there was a different level of joie de vivre and the expectations were higher and less concrete. i wouldn’t trade those days, but i couldn’t live them again either. i have experience to shape my perception.

i find the blues, and jazz, and melancholy tunes so much more appropriate now. not always. but sometimes- maybe this time of year-the language and topic of love and romance is more evident. and when i hear it, i look backward. the loves i have now are not in tandem with romance. i haven’t trusted in 25 years. i have been hiding that long.

but i do remember distinctly the soft and smooth and sometimes jagged edges of love. the feelings haven’t died, maybe they’ve just ambered

it is often said that “it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” i concur. on many occasions i have called upon the sustenance of love lost to get me through dark times. and i will always have those times. i love many now, but the passion and the romance are not at all the same. not a complaint at all, just a notation. the loves i have had remain the loves i have had.

i wish you all a valentine ‘s day chock full of love (and chocolate)

this is me in 1986.
this one is for you paul