my professional life has felt like a cake baking in the oven. it seemed to have expanded its volume, but it is not clear whether the increase will remain or if it is all air and will fall when removed from the oven. i received some good (i think) news today, but remain apprehensive about the specific domino fall that may follow. i am nervous and excited. and i work to feel okay with not knowing. i hope and i refrain.
i remember a conversation i had with a lifelong friend the night that we met. it had to do with hope and demise and the symbiotic and yin-yang relationship they seem to have. a person’s demise is often connected to their hope. i have maintained this perspective since i claimed it in 1980 during a full moon lit walk along lake shore drive chicago.
so when i feel excitedly hopeful about the prospects of possible outcomes of this not unexpected news, i have found myself worried about the hope i muster. and if a hope become reality, what if what i hope becomes worse than what i have? or more strangely, what if it becomes better?
i am pretty sure that i am looking around for options as i have presently in the process of applying for a new position. i stumbled across a career horoscope reading and found it hopeful that it advised looking outside my immediate sphere for options. i have felt i might need to do this anyway for a variety of reasons, however there is that inner-critic that tells me i can’t get anything else and i need to hold on to what i have.
coincidentally, i have put out a couple of feelers and do have an idea or two. i think though that it is important for me to exercise my brain in this way. otherwise i remain stuck.
Dot your i’s and cross your t’s during mercury retrograde
so i came across this german ensemble named “lovebirds” on beatport. they are so house-y and i swim easily in house music. always have. there is a much more popular version featuring stee downes, but i like this version, too. it’s a little more pared down. when i am inside house music, i find drama, rhythm, melody, percussion, harmony, playfulness, and color- all of which really make my heart smile. here’s to making good decisions. bon weekend 🙂
i have been working at a small health clinic which is connected to the large public hospital in my city since april 09. it had become really clear that i had outgrown my position. an opportunity had presented itself at the larger hospital campus and it fell into my lap. there was the problem of no funding for this opportunity. subsequently, i encountered a personality that became like a shotgun shell that shattered the veneer of my emotional safety. it has become a daily ritual for me to wrap myself up in protective armor because i have repeatedly from time-to-time found myself the subject of unkind side jokes and not-so-subtle ridicule from a small set of individuals i like to call the “the heathers” that i share job duties with.
months ago i realized that i would not be able to remain sane (?) unless i moved forward. there was an attempt to lay down my armor, but i just felt as if i was met with a handshake and a hidden dagger and it solidified my resolve. what next i thought, but also felt that i had to trust that it would be better to be happy than be in fear.
just this small decision to make a change rather than sit in shit opened up a new world for me. almost immediately i located a different position on the main campus continuing to do the work i have passion to do. i interviewed for this position yesterday and was informed that it potentially is filled with possibility i had in no way expected. and the tone of the conversation was supportive and hopeful, which had me believing somehow that once again it was safe to be me.
this is a small story in my life, probably very vague, but there has been a very major “a ha” for me. the “pop” that is supposedly heard after the 5 year mark of sobriety has resonated in my life. it has taken me this long to get to square one of understanding just where my shortcomings begin. i am getting the beginnings of an unclouded view of how i operate in the world. it ain’t very pretty.
i have lived in fear for most of my life. i have been the subject of unkind chatter, both audible and whispered, and have developed a skin that is the thickness of ft knox. and i have accustomed myself to living like this. most likely, i defer to this emotional stance when i am not sure or feeling unstable. it is robotic. it is painful. it is not planned. but it is my nature.
so when i made a decision to try a different approach, to not bite off my arm to get out of the trap i was caught in, i feel i had made progress. i had grown. i felt free. a sense of freedom that invited the refreshing breeze of acceptance into my world.
Step out the front door like a ghost
Into the fog where no one notices
The contrast of white on white.
And in between the moon and you
Angels get a better view
Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right.
And I walk in the air between the rain, through myself and back again
Where? I don’t know
Well, Maria says she’s dying
Through the door I hear her crying
Why? I don’t know
have been very busy working 3 jobs these days. i work as a substance abuse counselor at a public health hospital here and work with persons with hiv. i also teach DUI classes 3x week and work with highly ambivalent people who may be seeing a substance issue in the light for the 1st time. i also work with as a cater waiter with private chefs around town. of course the catering is the most lucrative position. it pays the best and the work is fairly steady for part time. i work with some extremely talented people, eat very well, and get to visits homes and neighborhoods that i normally wouldn’t see.
i actually love this diversity. i don’t think i could ever revert to being a server on a full time basis and retain my sanity. but i also think that working parties and small events affords me the luxury of letting go of some of the serious qualities of my day job. there are definitely people with problems and many of them cross my path. i love this job- or at least the possibilities it holds. my co-workers are mostly eccentric and that is very comfortable place for me to be. and the people i work with as a counselor continue to touch my heart.
i am still learning that “being there” sometimes needs to be enough. this continues to be a lesson that challenges my “fixer” sensibility. but i’m tryin’…
i heard this song last night at a party and remembered how much i liked it….