“We are uncomfortable because everything in our life keeps changing — our inner moods, our bodies, our work, the people we love, the world we live in. We can’t hold on to anything — a beautiful sunset, a sweet taste, an intimate moment with a lover, our very existence as the body/mind we call self — because all things come and go. Lacking any permanent satisfaction, we continuously need another injection of fuel, stimulation, reassurance from loved ones, medicine, exercise, and meditation. We are continually driven to become something more, to experience something else.”
― Tara Brach,
now that the major holiday gift has been exchanged for this season, i find myself churning in the same quagmire that has had me stuck since the autumn of 2014. there is friction in my psyche and it is uncomfortable. i have not mastered yet the lesson that is offered up here. i make decisions based on need and those decisions have fallen short when it comes to inspiration. my bills are barely being paid but the cupboards of my soul feel somewhat barren. illusion and carryover trauma only
but please hear and understand me when i transmit to you there is not suffering here. this is surely annoyance and disappointment but not tragedy or trauma. i find myself in frustration more than fear. i still have faith in my process and my recovery.
i do forget sometimes that i don’t really solve any problems. and when i forget i stumble and wobble until i remember my limited powers. the only strength i may ever have is my faith. i do lose touch with faith much more than i care to acknowledge, mostly when i am attracted to control or power over things in my life. and just like the moth to the flame, that intense attraction most often leaves me burning. just like now.
the call up is to find and embrace the radical acceptance of the current situation. the hope is that acceptance will make room for new adventure. i keep trying to conjure adventure and i find my own blind spots stunt my wings.