broken record

Posted on Updated on

“My collection is so disorganized right now, it’s terrible. But usually it’s split into two sections: ‘hip-hop’ and ‘not hip-hop’” – Cosmo Baker
“My collection is so disorganized right now, it’s terrible. But usually it’s split into two sections: ‘hip-hop’ and ‘not hip-hop’” – Cosmo Baker

What are the Signs of Emotional Sobriety?
•  Ability to regulate strong emotions •  Ability to regulate mood •  Ability to maintain a perspective on life circumstances. •  Ability to regulate potentially harmful substances or behaviors •  Ability to live in the present •  Ability to regulate activity levels.

•  Ability to live with deep, intimate connection.

•  Resilience, the ability to roll with the punches

•  Ability to regulate behavior….tian dayton phd

this emotional sobriety thing becomes so friggin perplexing at times, that my mutterings the blog o sphere must seem like a broken record. it is said that life is a spiral which has us circling around and revisiting the same place as we try to ascend to the next level. this week brought me once again to a place that causes me to believe this theory to be true. for me, surviving the trauma that i have done has left imprints and some scars. i feel unlovable and broken as a first response to situations at times and then must steer my thinking and my my perceptions to a different place that holds more light. it takes some and it takes some damn presence of mind. it feels like a broken record, but i’m starting to believe the record is not broken but only scratched. (impish and joyful smile here)

“According to ancient philosophy life is not a cycle  but a spiral. Every life lesson that has ever been presented to you will come back again, until you learn it. And the stakes each time will be higher. Whatever you have learned will bear greater fruit. Whatever you failed to learn will bear harsher consequences.

” Midlife is our second chance […] Whatever didn’t work in your life before this part, was a reflection of the fact that you hadn’t yet integrated the different parts of yourself.  Where you didn’t  yet accept yourself, you attract lack of acceptance. 

“If you want to spend the years you have left reenacting the old drama of the past – you can. The same script be indeed coming around for your review. But if you want, you can take the script, and give it an awesome rewrite.”  – Marianne Williamson “THE AGE OF MIRACLES”

i managed to avoid running which is my go to move. instead i reminded myself that i deserve to see things through a little further. i can’t really say whether progress is happening, but i am aware of a connecting thread that began in my past and has infiltrated my adult life. that thread has survived decades of volatility and helped keep me alive when sane thinking would have guessed otherwise.

i may not be well, but i’m certainly getting better and i’m grateful. really really grateful.

The drought was the very worst
When the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst
It was months, and months of back and forth
You’re still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore

Hung my head as I lost the war, and the sky turned black like a perfect storm

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning gone was any trace of you,
I think I am finally clean

There was nothing left to do
When the butterflies turned to dust that covered my whole room
So I punched a hole in the roof
Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you

The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you,
I think I am finally clean
I think I am finally clean
Said I think I am finally clean

10 months sober, I must admit
Just because you’re clean don’t mean you don’t miss it
10 months older, I won’t give in
Now that I’m clean I’m never gonna risk it

The drought was the very worst
When the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning gone was any trace of you,
I think I am finally clean

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning gone was any trace of you
I think I am finally clean
Finally clean
Think I’m finally clean
Think I’m finally clean…taylor swift

and here is that taylor swift song recorded by ryan adams on his tribute album “1989”

One thought on “broken record

    liz said:
    October 17, 2015 at 9:34 pm

    This is FANTASTIC. There is so much in here that resonates right now. This spiral, this cycle, made some sort of sense for a moment. I will re read. This is not to be rushed. Thankyou

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s