there recently has been a crack in the veneer of doom that loomed over my life this year. whatever triggered old feelings has led me to a place that i am encountering a new idea- subconscious restructuring. this is not my original idea at all, but it is an concept i will be exploring over the next few months to determine if it may be a healthy and effective pathway to lead me to higher ground.
in the six realms of existence, there are said to be heirarchies that one inhabits depending upon their actions in life. having managed to emerge from the hamster wheel of a potent realm there is a current revelation that a deeper acceptance is required to continue to enjoy peace and tranquility in life.
there are some cyclical themes in my life that have become apparent.
1) my family continues to support me and accept me. all the while some of those players cause me to revert to old mindsets with their failure to evolve. recognizing my own role in this dance is imperative to healthy moves forward.
2) the inability to say “no” and remaining visible during conflict are character defects that stem from a primal thought process. i am not certain, but it is possible that i am attracted to conflict in order to cause me to withdraw and/or runaway. it is not clear what thoughts and beliefs drive this cycle. it is clear however that it feels broken and unhealthy.
3) i have learned through journaling and through life that creativity is an expression of gratitude to the universe for the blessings of the journey. the smoke has not cleared near the area of whether my expression is valid or appropriate. this again seems to be enmeshed with old beliefs and old programming.
this last tumble along my path has afforded unexpected time for reflection and review. with this has emerged this opening of hope. relief. possibility. perhaps a new deal.
therefore i need to reiterate the serenity prayer at this fork in the road. i am not clear on what can be changed and what cannot. i need help in determining clarity in those areas. this is that prayer. this is an ask for wisdom and patience. trust and faith. acceptance and letting go.
Two weeks late like a surplus reprieve
I found a hair the length of yours on my sleeve
I wound it round and round my finger so tight
It turned to purple and a pulse formed inside
And I knew the beat since it matched your own beat
I still remember it from our chest to chest and feet to feet
The easy silence then was a sweet relief to this hush
Of ovens, aeroplanes and distant car horns
A fire a fire, you can only take what you can carry
A pulse your pulse, it’s the only thing I can remember
I break you don’t, I was always set to self destruct though
The fire the fire, it cracks and barks like primal music
I said I knew the beat ’cause it matched your own beat
It’s become my engine my own source of heat
The sea between us only amplifies the sound waves
Every hum and echo and crash paints my cave.