have been reviewing so much this autumn. i have changed the color of the interior of my home and am in the process of editing furnishings, changing window coverings, installing a new kitchen door as well as a security door. next will be hardwood floors and re-doing the bathroom. in consideration is selling my current home and finding a place a little bigger and a little in need of love.
i have changed vocations and am in the process of reviewing that decision. i realize how challenging is it for me not to be connected to everything i am doing. my ego and my expectations are under review as well.
somewhere inside another itch exists to begin another program. surrounding that itch are a couple of fears. a fear of failure and getting in over my head. additionally, an old resentment with another community player lingers and i fear it will poison the playground.
i am planting 150 orange and 150 white tulip bulbs along the front of my townhouses along my street. i have fallen in love the springtime appearance of orange and white buds. orange tulips have taken on a new meaning for me. it used to be all about the yellow and red, but something has changed. it’s probably me.
it is like there has been an avalon-mist that has drifted through my world and there is an almost continuous loop of getting lost in the fog. the head keeps spinning and the hope for stabilization is omnipresent. one wonders if the ideal of stability might be misdirected. the seasons change within the rotation of the sun which corresponds with the rotation of the earth. longing to be still may be short-sighted. the real gift may be the chaos and the dance.