sometimes it seems i am outside the looking glass peering in, trying to see if i am at all connected to what i am able to see from the other side. i would not be surprised if this were a symptom of ptsd, but am really not sure.
i am sure that this doesn’t feel foreign in any way and i am not panicked by it. it’s not a comfort by any means, but it doesn’t telegraph a deterrent or danger really. just something to notice.
i have indulged myself over these last 5 weeks between jobs with a trip to connecticut, a trip to michigan, some new adornments, and many gifts for people i love. i have allowed myself the luxury of gluttony to exercise my frustration with my last place of employment. this really equates to emotional eating which is not at all healthy except with harm reduction in mind. i believe whole-heartedly in harm reduction but i see it as a means to an end not the end.
it’s been challenging to view the events of these 5 weeks with detachment. i am emotionally connected- completely. ahh- perfection why have you forsaken me? (ha)
“Learning to pause is the first step in the practice of Radical Acceptance. A pause is a suspension of activity, a time of temporary disengagement when we are no longer moving toward any goal. . . . The pause can occur in the midst of almost any activity and can last for an instant, for hours or for seasons of our life. . . . We may pause in the midst of meditation to let go of thoughts and reawaken our attention to the breath. We may pause by stepping out of daily life to go on a retreat or to spend time in nature or to take a sabbatical. . . . You might try it now: Stop reading and sit there, doing “no thing,” and simply notice what you are experiencing.”