happenstances come and go. encounters made and encounters fade. dreams appear and just as quickly some drift off. water keeps flowing underground and i try to keep on moving forward.
i met an extraordinary group of regular people this week in fairfield county connecticut. they underlined everything i believe about life and the journey that has chosen me. i certainly feel enriched and changed by this. but i also hope that my heart has opened because more than anything else i can identify, my heart is in the most dire need of support right now.
it occurred to me while i sat in a room full of these beautiful strangers that i am in the midst of a gargantuan shift. i have removed myself from the safe track i was on and placed myself in the unknown. i don’t know what is directly ahead for me. i have no idea what happens next week, tomorrow, or even later today. and though i have faith in my process and i try to have faith in my own life, i am nudged repeatedly by events that test that faith. i was unable to focus enough when leaving for here to make my flight on time. i wrestled with the idea of continuing or stopping the journey while i waited with anticipation at the airport. i flew through a hellish thunderstorm to get her only to land hundreds of miles away and again had to modify my ground arrangements. my luggage (containing my sense of self) did not arrive until the night before the last day, causing me to create a new sense of me to present to my colleagues. i have felt a little more exposed and vulnerable and i have worked through feeling victimized.
i felt all these things and i have had to work at letting these feelings go. and in the process i shut down sometimes and got triggered sometimes and became impatient and fearful. this caused me to recoil and be less open. and this caused me hurt and brought shame back into view.
i have a clearer understanding how remaining open (my heart and mind) and letting go of unnecessary baggage are the lessons i take away from my training at ccar. this agenda is ongoing but has been highlighted by the circumstances of the week. somehow i drift into thinking that safety and planning will save me from myself, but they keep me from myself instead.
i am sad that it took me travelling all this way to understand more deeply how i need to look inward, but i am grateful too. with myself and with others i need to exercise empathy more, support self-efficacy of those in my life and myself, roll with resistance and develop discrepancy. i need to use all motivational interviewing skills i already understand (and presented as part of my training) to bring myself closer to the world and not back away from it so easily or so often. what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.
remember that this is not something we do just once or twice. Interrupting our destructive habits and awakening our heart is the work of a lifetime….. pema chodron