this last week has found me unpacking some old emotional baggage and discarding more than i planned. in my physical world, i have rearranged my entire house as i am trying to refi at a percent and a half lower rate. i have tossed, and dusted, and let go with zest and free will. i have reorganized closets, used the blower to rid my yard of the brown leaves, and laid out and written down my entire financial picture with the intention of being forthright and moving forward holistically with more thoughtful footsteps. it has been sobering and felt good. no doubt i continue to have blind spots about my own situation. i doubt i will ever be completely objective about the things i hold emotions especially shopping and spending money.
simultaneously i think i have been doing much of the same thing in my emotional world. i have found the inspiration and engagement attached to the activities i spend my day with have shifted somehow. for so much of my after-recovery life, i have been graced with a sort of synchronicity and have not been required to think as much as i needed to feel. if i needed a job- a job appeared. if i needed a piece of furniture- it would appear. i have not had to really want fo anything at all (although i certainly did want anyway). perhaps things are shifting. mebbe this is evolution of my life in recovery. i am internally reticent of staying where i am and more fearful of taking risk and moving forward.
what will my life be like if i try and then fail now that i know serenity and some security? is this a self-sabotage nature tugging at me or is this the nature of every human being wanting to grow and change and learn?
it’s saturday afternoon and i am listening to some ambient bliss from robin guthrie (cocteau twins) and the metaphorical warm foam of my life’s latte is causing me wonder about the three questions posted with today’s pic.
how well did i love?
how fully did i live?
how deeply did i let go?
it’s not about the answers at all here. it’s completely about the questions. great questions do not require answers. they only demand more questions.