sometimes i am in uber-love with facebook. it offers me hit after hit of glimpses of thoughts and ideas outside my everyday. my haphazardly honed adhd loves this effect. this morning it was a recording of led zeppelin’s recording of “when the levee breaks” from their 1971 album “IV” the sight of that audio post gave me permission to zoom out of my life for a minute and put on a different pair of glasses.
continually saying yes has a price. i know this. i have seen this. i have lived this. but my innate desire to excel overrides any logic i might posses. my way is to take it on, take another on, and then say “sure” again mostly because nothing else ever comes to mind. i learned early on in life how to become teacher’s pet. i purred in the luxury of excelling in the classroom and being perceived in a positive light, while the i spent the rest of my small town existence of a sissy boy queer orbiting in an atmosphere of whispers and shame. as fate (my teacher) would have it, this obsession with feeling accepted and an impulsive need for validation like a bird of prey flies close to the falconer.
if i try to recap the events of this past week, my first emotional response is shame. and i don’t have the clarity today to understand whether this shame is appropriate or if it is primal. (i hate this not knowing btw). i ran an emotional marathon this week-