lost

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lost at sea by cory g via deviant art
“A further sign of health is that we don’t become undone by fear and trembling, but we take it as a message that it’s time to stop struggling and look directly at what’s threatening us. ” 

“Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (Corinthians 13:4-7)


my friend’s ashes were blessed, reminisces shared, tears shed today at the small catholic church in englewood. i comforted friends from my past and was comforted by my friends of today. i sat quietly while others shared their history and insight. his longtime friend read the famous passage on love and i understood it more intimately than i could ever imagine. i ceremoniously put to rest any idea that i could head backwards.

i need to set a new course. i am unsure. it is not frightening, but i am reticent. i can’t intuit how to move forward. i can’t feel my feet. i can feel the wind and hear the pounding surf. i feel cold. i am waiting and trying my damnedest to lean into the unknowing.

there are (as always) many opinions for me to choose from. not my usual style though. internal wisdom tells me if i don’t know what to do, then do nothing. life is just like playing poker sometimes. good bye my dear friend. safe journey. you will be missed.

and as for me, i am still. i am not a body. i am free. for i am still…… as god created me.

The wilderness is not just a desert through which we wandered for forty years. It is a way of being. A place that demands being open to the flow of life around you. A place that demands being honest with yourself without regard to the cost in personal anxiety. A place that demands being present with all of yourself.

In the wilderness your possessions cannot surround you. Your preconceptions cannot protect you. Your logic cannot promise you the future. Your guilt can no longer place you safely in the past. You are left alone each day with an immediacy that astonishes, chastens and exults. You see the world as if for the first time.
-Lawrence Kushner

2 thoughts on “lost

    Jeremiah Andrews said:
    September 30, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    Rod. Grief is a process that we have to live in to. And that may take some time. We must live through it because our hearts need to learn how to love deeply and totally. And grief places that mark on our hearts so that it doesn't forget.

    When I don't know where to go or what to do my mentor is apt to tell me this:

    If I don't know where I am going or what to do, then sit right down (here) and feel into where I am, getting to know how I feel. And to study my surroundings and get my bearings.

    I speak to my mentor or someone I trust. I consult my map and get to know what is going on around me. Then, when I am ready to make a move to finally get up and make a decision to move forwards. And it is ok to rest in this space because this is our journey.

    You will survive and you will love. I promise.

    Know that I am here.

    Blessings on your head.

    Jeremy

    Like

    rod rushing said:
    September 30, 2012 at 8:36 pm

    “Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

    these are words and ideas that do not seem within reach. i have much work to do. i just hope it's not too late.

    thank you so much for the kind sentiment jeremy.

    Like

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