somebody that i used to know

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image credit… giampaolo sgura

                                               Now and then I think of when we were together
                                               Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
                                                        Told myself that you were right for me
                                                           But felt so lonely in your company
                                               But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember

                                                You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
                                                     Like resignation to the end, always the end
                                                 So when we found that we could not make sense
                                                       Well you said that we would still be friends
                                                    But I’ll admit that I was glad that it was over…. gotye

the last couple of weeks have been the slowdown after a couple of months of a whirlwind in my life. i had been so very occupied all 7 days and most nights for most of the spring that i hardly had time to catch my breath or get any perspective. recently though, i am steeping in some uncertainty, a strained relationship or two, and a general loss of direction.

part of me is worried because i generally thrive on being inspired and do well when i don’t take time to reflect. but these recent days and this downshift offer me a not so easy but necessary peek at the road now traveled. a dance or two with serenity have graced me with a deeper understanding of my own nature and biology.

it has mostly been my style to inspect my feelings and my struggles and certainly there is that natural bent today. it is not where i need to take my introspection at this time. i need to apply the technique i suggest to so many others so very often. i need to zoom out.

i sit on the board of a recovery organization and there is so much to do with not enough know-how. i have to accept that my best is good enough, even though everything won’t be perfect in my eyes. and i have to let others take leadership roles, help out, and make mistakes. all this imperfection does not translate into a poor job or a failed me.

at my work, i do not get to make the decisions. many of the rules and policies don’t seem to be geared toward the goals i have with my work. this creates conflict for me. i have a tendency to feel useless and want to give up, rather than stay in the game and work towards change- including compromise and defeat. i want to face a defeat with abandonment, because that is what i have always done. maybe i have never felt connected enough to anything or anyone to work through conflict. it’s always been less complicated to leave. even if i lose a piece of my heart.

as i write, i lean toward thinking how fucked up i really am. that phrase, albeit applicable, isn’t the story. it isn’t all me. it’s just the damaged part of me. the part that continues to lose influence as i walk with the light. creating change in my life is in process. i am patient. i am impatient. i have faith. i struggle to remember faith. its all jumbled and it seems so clear.

i have fewer close friends than i have ever had in my life. but the friends i have are simpler and more honest than i ever imagined. i am gobsmacked at times by the clarity that my intermittent interactions with friends provides. and i have never felt more comfortable by myself before.

To undertake a genuine spiritual path is not to avoid difficulties but to learn the art of making mistakes wakefully, to bring to them the transformative power of our heart…….Jack Kornfield

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