A man in my shoes runs a light and all the papers lied tonight but falling over you is the news of the day Angels fall like rain And love – is all of heaven away Inside you the times moves and she don’t fade The ghost in you She don’t fade Inside you the time moves and she don’t fade A race is on I’m on your side And here in you my engines die I’m in a mood for you Or running away Stars come down in you and love – you can’t give it away
on september 11 in 2001, i was living in a small apartment in san francisco. i had lost my corporate travel job and had found work in los angeles so was commuting back and forth to la 2x week and staying with a relative in manhattan beach. it was not an optimum situation, but it kept the revenue floating. i also had a job waiting tables in san francisco at an italian restaurant at fisherman’s wharf, which kept a few hundred a week in my pocket. it was a maddening pace and it seemed a little glamorous, but it started out taking a toll on my sanity. on the 11th, i was sleeping in the guest room and the tv had been left on. i woke up and saw some footage on the tube that showed a plane flying into the towers. i remember thinking to myself- “what movie is this” and then as the minutes dissipated a second plane hit the towers and well and it began to sink in that this was no movie at all. i ran to wake the other family that was home and we sat mesmerized at the footage and kept wiping disbelief from our consciousness like a wiper swashing water from a windshield, only to be overrun with the same thing moments later. the next days was a pastiche of sensations. fear, anger, horror, confusion, but there was focus in the house where i was staying because a family member had planned a wedding for the 14th in las vegas. it seemed absurd to go ahead, but the plans had been made, family and friends all needed to have a purpose, so the wedding was on. as i was readying for the trip, my la supervisor, also a friend, informed me that because of the projected travel freeze, my job would be nullified and i would lose that income, effective immediately. it was sour news and i was numb. i rode with an acquaintance to las vegas and during the first hour of the drive i got a call from the owner of the restaurant and was informed that staff was being cut there as well and i would not be working for an indefinite period of time. the rest of the weekend is really a blur. it was a fijian themed wedding and i remember checking out early on. it was september 14 2011 and i had no concept of what was in store for the next day- let alone the next year. this massive event on that clear east coast morning, set into place a series of events that caused me to completely lose myself and the skin and bones of my life to addiction. it was a 3 year unhinging of the shipwreck i had called my life.
today as look back to this globally infamous event and consider the changes that have taken place, i feel detached. i am not angry about all the loss, because i have mourned it. i have made peace with it. i have accepted our part in it. even so, i don’t think i ever want to do a dance that is even somewhat reminiscent of the “irish jig” that passenger bombs created in me. 10 years is a solid block of time and 20 percent of my life. it has certainly been the most challenging 20 percent thus far because i have worked to become present and available. compromise and loss, reliving trauma and forgiveness, and discovery and exploration have cut a wide and visible path in the backwood overgrowth of my emotional landscape. the journey still goes on and it is with much less fear and far more humility that i take each new step. if i have learned anything these last 10 years, it is that all is not as it initially seems, that i am much stronger than i ever knew, and that fear and unknowing do not necessarily lead to a dark place, they may just be the dark before a brighter day. i will observe some silence this september 11 2011, out of respect for all those that lost their lives, and all those who were affected because they were left behind to feel the pain. and i will observe some silence too, because in some eerie fashion, i started a journey that day to rediscover and reconstruct my own life.
this is a remake of the classic psychedelic furs from bt and last year’s double “these hopeful machines” cd. the mood and the message somehow still tug at my psyche.