a prayer for us all

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“People get into a heavy-duty sin and guilt trip, feeling that if things are going wrong, that means that they did something bad and they are being punished. That’s not the idea at all. The idea of karma is that you continually get the teachings that you need to open your heart. To the degree that you didn’t understand in the past how to stop protecting your soft spot, how to stop armoring your heart, you’re given this gift of teachings in the form of your life, to give you everything you need to open further.” — Pema Chödrön

my life has been turned upside down in the short span of a few months. my financial security is becoming embers before my eyes. my income shifted through a decrease in both a second and third jobs and i was too obstinate to take some action even though i knew it was happening. it speaks more to my nature than anything else. i certainly saw that my there was a shift, but i really dug my heels in a refused to heed the signs. and now, i am numb from debt and dealing with debt at a double dutch pace.

i keep reminding myself that no matter what happens i will be fine. and actually, i have already taken steps to reel in the wreckage. i must admit that i feel a bit like the manager of the nuclear reactor in japan- dealing with a very volatile situation, yet too proud and too stunned to ask for help. and the disastrous results of the inability to make smart and timely choices leaves a path of desolation in its wake.

and all the while this is being revealed, i find that my security in other arenas of my life is up for discussion. i learn that doing the right thing is not always enough to guarantee me getting what i want. and even though getting what i want, and having things the way i want them is not how i perceive myself to operate, it seems that i still value those attributes very very highly.

believe me, this is not the story i wanted to see the 1st quarter of 2011, but here it is anyway. i don’t know it all, i am effected by the world around, and my ego continues to rule my decisions and lead me down dark paths.

what has changed, though, is my willingness to look at how i operate in my own life. and i have let go of being a victim of my own tendencies. i am at the mercy of my nature often- much more often than i’d like. but i am also connected to the undeniable currency of struggle. if i can refocus as i move forward, i can expand my heart. and if anything is true, it is that my heart implicitly needs to expand.

4 thoughts on “a prayer for us all

    Jeremiah Andrews said:
    April 1, 2011 at 7:26 pm

    The promise reads: “Fear of economic insecurity will leave us.” It seems this promise has not come true for you yet.

    It took a long time for us to get a handle on money, and they say that money is the root of all evil.

    Your EGO and your PRIDE are going to be the death of you, unless you let them go. By your own admission these two factors are keeping your head firmly stuck up your ass.

    Getting what you want and getting things like you like them doesn't always work that way. You can't have your cake and eat it too. unless you think you are privileged.

    Until you let go your pride and ego all these problems will continue to dog you and you will be the victim of your own undoing.

    By your own admission, you failed to heed the warnings. Maybe this should get your attention, or are you still going to ignore them?

    I will say it again: YOU CAN'T GET SOBER AND KEEP YOUR EGO. Pride cometh before the fall my friend.

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    warrior scout said:
    April 1, 2011 at 9:28 pm

    wow… i refer back to the pema chodron quote at the beginning of this post. i am merely learning more about myself and learning to let go of that. perhaps the death of “me” is required for a new “me” to be born. always good to hear from you…:)

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    Jeremiah Andrews said:
    April 1, 2011 at 11:48 pm

    Getting sober for me is transformative. I get to work on those areas that are not so appealing and some that are ugly. You mention dying to self.

    The bible reads: “When I was a child I thought like a child, but I am no longer a child and I have put away those childish things.” (paraphrased)

    Asking for help, admitting our faults, changing our attitudes and actions, letting go of pride, fear and ego these things all seem insurmountable at first, but once you start it all falls into place.

    What are you afraid of? Waking up one morning and not recognizing the man staring back at you in the mirror? Or that people will turn away from you?

    You know what the Big Book says, and maybe you need to go back and review. We are always ever changing. I think you are holding back the tide of change because of fear.

    Now you can:
    1. Fuck everything and run (or) you can
    2. Face everything and recover

    The great religions of the East have much to offer on the subject of suffering and change.

    The Four Noble Truths

    1. Life means suffering.

    2. The origin of suffering is attachment.

    3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.

    4. The path to the cessation of suffering.

    Maybe we need to cover the four noble truths and start looking at the ways we suffer and how to end that suffering.

    You don't want to sit in the corner and be like that man who sits and bangs himself over the head with a hammer continuously because he doesn't know any better.

    Fear and letting go are common themes I hear from men in my meeting. Fear of change for something better, and letting go to a power greater than themselves is daunting, because what happens when I fully let go?

    What will become of Me?

    Well, you won't find out until you cross that bridge. It can be done. You are fighting a nowin scenario, change is gonna happen whether you like it or not, you can either fight it or you can go with it and see where you come out.

    You are in this to win not to loose. Forward is a motion, we can never go back, unless that's where you want to be, but then the process ends until you decide to get up and walk.

    You gotta just FEEL your way into this. On a daily basis. Sobriety is a wonderful thing on down the road. Come join me…

    Jeremy

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    warrior scout said:
    April 2, 2011 at 5:09 am

    j- i think perhaps you misinterpret my disclosure. it is the recognizing of my own nature that i celebrete here. i am not boasting about my shortcomings, but examining them. i have taken corrective action, and wait to judge its effect. i cam bound to remain the same if i do not understand who i am and where this takes me. i am not the first to exercise poor judgement, nor will i be the last. however, this makes me no more or no less human. i know i have much to learn, howver i feel my journey is golden- both the bitter and the sweet.

    suffering may never end..my hope is that i can readjust my lens on life to see that suffering is transitional and transformative- not a destination.

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