almost friday and life gets more simple and more complicated at the same time. my heart continues to open and my barriers to love continue to pop up like the flying ducks in a shooting arcade game. some days it is exhausting. and then it is inspiring. and then exhausting again. today i heard someone crying over the phone and a very codependent urge to comfort them filled my core. it was quietly sublime. even better was the chance to address that urge later in the day.
with regard to glee, (which i kinda covet every week) there is the emerging issue of the heavy girl (lauren zizes) who is demonized as a sexual compulsive. this week, she was singing “i know what boys like” and i found myself feeling insulted and played down to. it’s almost creepy and abusive somehow. on the upside, i am pretty sure that chord overstreet is actually developing some rhythm and won’t have to be in the back rows of the dance routines much longer.
tomorrow i will be participating in the filming of a small documentary about “advocates for recovery” which is an organization that has become dear to my heart. i cringe to think about how i will appear in the camera’s eye as i have shape shifted over the last 2 years and gained much weight. and here is where i should tell myself that it is easier to criticize myself than do the work to change. this is a truth that i understand very well.
questions i will be speaking to: What did your active addiction look like? What’s your life look like now?What did you take from the community in your addiction? What do you give back to the community? now?….how?Was this possible with out support????
my oh my – my head is swimming today. i am looking to endorse some enhancements at my workplace. i am nearly mesmerized by the opportunities is see for change. and manic-me loves this part of my life’s rhythm. but i do need to be ready for no change at all. this is just as much a possibility. and i am NOT in charge…
i have been talking about much this week about success and failures not being separate entities, but more being a part of the same bigger whole. without loss, we don’t “get” triumph. and without desperation, we probably would not recognize hope if it surrounded us.