my spine is the bassline

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No Guts, No Blood: No Brains At All
My spine is the bassline, and the top line
could be broken glass
all amusing views of those better men
dirty habits’ hand on the purses’ strings

i hopefully have come through a few month ordeal with a repeat of drama. it is amazing to me how quickly i can become triggered by others. these others are usually gay men, too. i must have a deep-rooted distrust of a certain type of gay guy. i don’t know quite what the origin of this is, but i do know that it is real (or not) and it cuts deep when it makes an appearance.

i have somehow made progress since the first resurgence, but it still affects me enough to have made a location shift at my job and hold me in frustration for these last several months. i suppose i need to determine exactly what is required for me to feel safer. i may not always have the luxury of alternate respite. but if it hits again, i know that the pain and uncomfortability is so sharp and so encompassing that it is nearly impossible to see beyond it.

nonetheless, i am getting closer to insight. this incident has only lasted about 3 months. i have found a way through and can see the light. i do believe that my instincts are right-on here, btw. i think that there are personalities that don’t care and are self-focused that don’t have my best interest in sight at all. but this is not a requirement. nor should it be an expectation. i should expect myself to take any hits that come my way. and if i step back, i see that i can. those hits just stir echoes of my past and it’s excruciating.

but change is happening. i have made my decision and am making my moves. the universe has smiled once again and opened a space for me to feel safe.

today i am harking back once again to those 80’s of my history. there was a “no-wave” movement out of NYC and many bands claimed to be connected. this band- shriekback- did indeed seem to qualify as part of that movement. dave allen of “gang of four” was part of this ensemble and this tune got underground radio airplay as well as having a short but powerful lifespan in clubland. have a  listen to “my spine is the bassline”.

2 thoughts on “my spine is the bassline

    Jeremiah Andrews said:
    June 30, 2010 at 8:03 pm

    I guess the way we gauge our recovery, is how deep things get to us as they pop up. It seems that some people don't want to let go and grow, you think? Some people get clean and sober and they grow up. Some people just stay bitter. Maybe they are jealous of your “screen time” maybe they wish they have what you have, maybe they just can't seem to get better, or grow up. Shit happens and assholes continue to exist.

    Pray for them, it will help you get better.

    Nobody escapes their past. It follows like a bad shadow. Some of us get better and the past gets farther away, but not forgotten … “we do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.”

    Sometimes we must go the length of changing place and location, because those bitter reminders exist and sometimes we can't escape them, but to move into a new area of town.

    You know, you've done the work, you got better and you do good work. Sometimes I wish I had what you have, but I know you deserve all the good things you have achieved. Pity the person who is still bitter and hateful. Some stay sick and tormented.

    But you don't have to. Some people just know how to dig us to the pit of our soul, dredging up the darkest parts of our past to throw that in our faces and exposing that portion of us to the general public. This shows exactly what their motives are… “Shock and Awe.”

    Some poor souls never get it. They deserve our prayers.

    All you can do Rod, is to ignore them to the best of your ability. The further space and time you put between them and you the better. Personal reminders of what it was like, keep us focused on what it's like now.

    If you allow them to get under your skin, and to affect you they way they do, they win. Renting them space in your brain for free is pointless.

    DON'T RENT FREE SPACE IN YOUR BRAIN.

    This too shall pass. And in the end you will still end up being the better person for it.

    That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

    Let this go, and don't sit in being upset too long because it defeats the process of recovery.

    Jeremy

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    rod said:
    July 1, 2010 at 11:23 pm

    Wow, Jeremy… What a thoughtful note of support. Thank you so much for it. The biggest challenge for me seems to be what I have not learned to work through in my life. The very act of sexual activity in early childhood often sparks feelings of inappropriateness and I would imagine that throwing same sex and secret qualities in the mix really messes with a person's self esteem. At least it would seem is the case with me. I feel that progress is being made and do have hope that the acuteness of these feelings is dwindling… progress not perfection.

    Like

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